Funny Graphics

I thought you had like a

greeting card with a

topless woman on it

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REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories
With your teeth through her shirt.....108 Calories

PUTTING ON THE CONDOM:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary..................................... 12 Calories
69 lying down............................... 78 Calories
69 standing up............................. 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ .....326 Calories
Italian chandelier. (just look it up).. 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Darling, it 's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It 's only Rs.10,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "Rs95,00,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They 're asking Rs.75 ,50,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 70,00,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I 'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks:

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"Anyone knows whose this mobile belongs to?"

A man visits a doctor."I think I have a problem, doc" said the patient.
"One of my balls has turned blue".
The doctor examined the main briefly and concluded the patient would die
if they didnt have is testicals removed."Are you crazy" exclaimed the
doctor."How could I let u do such a thing to me ?". "Do u want to die ?
asked the doctor rhetorically, and teh patient had to agree to have
testicale removed".

But two weeks after the operation, he came back."Doc, I don`t know how
to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too." Again, the doctor
told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off
too. And again, the man was very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?",
asked the doc, and the patient had to
agree to the operation.

But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the
doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My ***** is now
completely blue."

After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the
bad news. If he wants to live, his ***** has to go. Of course, he did
not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?", asked the doctor.

"But... how do I pee?" "We`ll install an plastic pipe, and there will be
no problem."

So, the ***** is removed and a while after the operation, the
unfortunate man again returns the doctor`s office.He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue." "What?" Can you tell me what a
hell is happening?"

So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says,
"Hmmmm, I think the jeans is loosing colour......"

The first photo was taken when the Chinese president went to US.

The second photo was taken when Bush went to China.

Brilliant spoof of coke commercial "Its for You".

Funny Photos: Learning start from the childhood

Everybody wants to tell their partner that how much they love them. Even if you don?t tell you should do the same. Now you would want to know what you could do to keep your relationship stronger and fresh and full of life!

Here are some ideas which could be beneficial in keeping your relationship fresh throughout the twelve months. The basic idea involved is to be 'romantic?:

1.A cute greeting card: You must have felt on many occasions how important the greeting cards are. Without any special occasion, you could give you partner a card with the theme 'I love you?.

2.Leave hand-written notes for your sweetheart : If you don?t fancy giving the card directly in hand, you could write 'I Love You? on a paper, on a dry leaf (if you know bit of art), on an envelope with some tiny gift inside (Like a pen, a key chain) and hide it in his/her drawer or his/her wallet. It would be a real fun for him/her to find these notes? Try It! These will make him/her feel special.

3. Magic of touch heal : It is said that 'Human touch is a great healer?. Now, whenever you get a chance and as often you can remember touch his/her knee, shoulder, hand or back with you hand.

4. A beautiful Massage for your sweetheart : You could give foot rubs (You could use some essential oils); shoulder rubs to each other which will give relaxation to his/her body.

5. Hold the face to make him/her feel extra special : You could hold his/her face in your hands; this is also a loving human touch. It might connect you back to the good old, your first days.

6. Arrange a surprise picnic : You arrange a day out to a park with her/him. This could be more loving if it is a surprise picnic. It would show that you are willing to go an extra mile to keep your relationship alive.

7. Share Some Activities to give comfort : Try out things which are not done in the normal routine likewise you could share some of his/her activities while giving a level of 'comfort? to your partner. You could help out in cooking, in hanging out the clothes, looking after the baby while she could have a nap, help cleaning his/her vehicle etc.

8.Sing a romantic song to show how much you love him/her : You could sing a song he/she loves. You don?t have to be a good singer for this. The main thing you try achieving here is to give a 'comfort Zone? to the person.

9. Cooking : If most of the time she is cooking for you, how about getting up little early and makes a nice meal/breakfast and have it together, in the bed or at the table. It could be a surprise meal.

10. Surprise : Without any occasion, you could surprise him/her by giving a beautiful flower of his/her choice.
Hopefully you will try these tips, and be happy to be successful. Make your relationship alive and loving. That is life!

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets
to speak.

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait someone else is using it."

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in
advance.

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the
phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a
cloth and sells the cloth.

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
"You're lucky. My wife does."

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to
me.

"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said:" I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said: "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by cheque.
"I know you need to make sure the cheque is good, so I'll write
it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick the ring up Monday afternoon,
" he said. Monday morning, a very peed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

At a doctor's clinic one morning a patient arrives complaining of serious backache. The doctor examines him and asks him "What the hell did you do to your back?

"The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club?Today morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been sleeping with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor says "My previous looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"
He replies, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor!", said the patient.

Last as long as you can flying through a cave without hitting the roof, floor or obstacles in your way.

‎

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter."
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him,
So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot.

Which place are you from?"
John replied, "I'm from Mexico , sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico ?" asked the manager.
John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."

"My wife is from Mexico ," the manager said.
John replied, "Which team did she play for?"

Between the ages of 15 - 20 a woman is like Africa.
She is half discovered, half wild.

Between the ages of 20 - 30 a woman is like America.
Fully discovered and scientifically perfect.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India & Japan.
Very hot, wise and beautiful !!!!!!!!!

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France .
She is half destroyed after the war but still desirable.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Germany.
She lost the war but not the hope.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia .
Very wide, very quiet but nobody goes there.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England.
With a glorious past but no future.

After 70, they become Siberia .
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

"Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

"My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Monday, May 28, 2007

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Monday, May 21, 2007

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